Right Person, Wrong Time?

July 9th, 2013

Can there be a right person, just at the wrong time? I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason, and tend to think that, even in a situation of perceived “love at first encounter” that if things were truly meant to be, then they will be.

I recently read an article about a woman convinced that her new relationship is the one. For sure. No doubt about it. Her partner says she feels the same way, but is about to take a new job that will absorb much of her time, and will have her out socializing a lot, and it’s going to be over two hours away. She doesn’t want to make a huge commitment yet, whole her life is changing so much.

I agree with her partner, and also understand that feelings this strong are hard to fight, or let go of. However, if it’s meant to be, it’ll be. Right?

What are your feelings and thoughts on love at first sight? Things happening for a reason, and going with the flow? Can there be the “right” person, just at the wrong time?

 

Should Your Spouse Be Your Best Friend?

June 26th, 2013

I’ve been asking the question a lot lately, ‘Should your spouse be your best friend?’ I’m asking mostly to just get answers, I don’t have a necessarily profound viewpoint. When I was younger, and married, I thought that there had to be something fundamentally wrong with our relationship if we weren’t each others best friend.

There are a lot of interpretations of what a ‘best friend’ means, too, but when I say it, I really mean best friend. The one you confide in, the one who has your back, in any circumstance, who knows your secrets. The one you talk to when no one else will do. Plenty of couples have this in each other, plenty more say they do, but I don’t think it’s always the case. Lot’s of men have their one best buddy, and many women have that ‘sister’ type of friend, the one we go to, perhaps, to talk about our spouse when their is a problem in the relationship, does that person mean any more, or less than our spouse? Should it? What about a step further… can one have a best friend of the opposite sex, who isn’t your spouse?

I read an article today talking about how some of the strongest relationships are forged in times of crisis. I suppose it was like that for me; my best friend is a man, he is married, his wife is a wonderful woman. She understands that he and I have this special bond, and it doesn’t bother her (although I can’t say that it never did). There have been times when she had even called me to come talk to him, in that way that only I can. Our friendship may not have been forged out of crisis, but it strengthened us, that’s for sure. He was my late husband’s best friend. I’d known him all though our relationship, and marriage, and when my husband passed unexpectedly, at a very young age, he and I were the ones that understood each others loss to the same degree, and it made our friendship so much stronger. There has never been anything romantic between us, and there never will be.

I truly believe that you have to be your own best friend first, and be able to love yourself before ever being able to really love someone else. I also don’t think that there is really just one person who was made to satisfy every need of another. That’s why we have intimate, and platonic relationships simultaneously. I’m not currently in a romantic relationship, and I wonder what reaction a new man in my life will have once I make it clear that this other man is who I consider my best friend, and always will be. Would it be unfair of me to enter into a new relationship without allowing that new person to fill that slot if it were possible?

What do you think?

 

Separate Bedrooms??

June 19th, 2013

When they first told me about it I thought it was a very strange idea. Why would a happy monogamous couple not want to sleep in the same room? I thought maybe there was something wrong in the relationship that they were hiding from me.

Not the case apparently. My son and his girlfriend of five years are, quite happily, living together, and love the fact that they each have their own bedrooms. They aren’t alone, there seems to be a small, but growing population of couples doing the same thing.

So, I asked them about it. They said that they get mixed reviews, but when they explained why they like it, and why it works for them, they really brought me around to their way of thinking. They are two different people, with different styles. He decorates his room his way, with a masculine flair, and she has hers her way, much more feminine. He is more of a neat freak than she is, so it helps with that as well; no arguments about the room being too messy. If either of them wants some alone time, they just go to their room and shut the door – problem solved. It helps out with their different schedules, TV shows, music being listened to, etc. Other couples I know who have their own bedrooms enjoy it because of snoring issues, temperature differences, white noise, or just plain personal space in the bed.

Traditionally, I suppose, the bedroom is generally the females territory. Maybe most men don’t care, but for those that do – why is it the guys who have to sacrifice? Perhaps this is why “man-caves” are becoming so popular. After all, where’s the rule that says as soon as you’re living together, or married, that you have to have the same room, and possible lose part of your identity?

Way to think outside the box. What do you think? Would you be comfortable sleeping separately from your spouse?

 

Who Isn’t Getting Married?

May 13th, 2013

I read an article in the Philadelphia Inquirer about a new book that’s out called, “Is Marriage for White People?” Apparently black women, according to this research, are the most un-partnered group in our society. Why?

His answers are interesting, and make me think that perhaps black women are emerging as the lead in the “strong women” category. According to this research, more than 70% of black children are born to unwed parents. This alone might cause one to think poorly of this group, or that it is simply because more single black women are getting pregnant. Not so. His research shows that the reason for this is not more unplanned pregnancies, but the fact that more black women are preferring to remain single than white women.

Unwed childbearing is a consequence of the marriage decline, regardless, but the research indicates that most other races – and even black men – are more likely to marry outside their race, while black women are still encouraged to marry within. Maybe it is social pressure… or perhaps they are just one of the last groups of people trying to hold onto what they were taught and how they believe. If the men of their own race aren’t living up to those same standards, and ‘marrying out’ is not a desirable option, why not just stay single?

The book indicates that higher incarceration rates, and the fact that more black men are marrying inter-racially, contribute to this dynamic. Additional statistics indicate that more black women are becoming college graduates than black men, and that more highly educated women are more likely to marry. So, with that said, who can blame the current trend? With these figures, the “eligible black men” pool gets smaller and smaller for these women.

So why not just carry on with their education, refuse to “marry down”, and raise their children on their own?

 

Would You do It Again?

May 3rd, 2013

I was talking today with an older guy that I work closely with. He is married, (not unhappily) I am not, and I’ve filled him in on much of my past relationships, marriage, etc., and in the past I’d mentioned that I don’t think I’d marry again. I’m not opposed to another long term relationship if the time is right, but I really don’t see myself getting married again.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s left no bad taste in my mouth – I loved being married, hated getting divorced, I loved being engaged later to a different man, and was devastated when that was over. Right now though, where I am in life, and the universe – I can’t see the way I feel now, changing all that much. (Of course, we all know how that goes..)

Anyway, my friend Butch said to me, “So you’ve said before that you wouldn’t do the marriage thing again though, right?” I said yes, that was true, and even though I’m down for a long term relationship again, it’s going to be “What’s your is yours, and what’s mine is mine.” I know that philosophy doesn’t fit everyone, but I was surprised that he agreed with me. He has been married for a very long time.

He said, “I really think that’s kinda the way it should be – it almost seems that when we’re young, all we want to do is get married, and share everything with someone, then as we get older we all just want to have and do things our own way.”

A very young kid who works with us, came into the conversation as I was saying that I’d written a blog on our site www.shouldigetmarried.net about how we should all just have to get married young, learn what it’s really all about, have a mandatory divorce, and then carry on with our lives, having that experience under our belt – and he said, “Oh, so you’re saying I shouldn’t marry my girlfriend then?” I wasn’t going to answer, but I didn’t have to. Three of the guys I was talking to – almost in unison – said, “No, you’re too young!” It’s amazing, sometimes, to see what older folks have to say about young love.

If you’ve been divorced, would you marry again?

What would be different the second time around?

Would you listen if everyone around you said you were too young to get hitched?

 

May 3rd, 2013

I was talking today with an older guy that I work closely with. He is married, (not unhappily) I am not, and I’ve filled him in on much of my past relationships, marriage, etc., and in the past I’d mentioned that I don’t think I’d marry again. I’m not opposed to another long term relationship if the time is right, but I really don’t see myself getting married again.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s left no bad taste in my mouth – I loved being married, hated getting divorced, I loved being engaged later to a different man, and was devastated when that was over. Right now though, where I am in life, and the universe – I can’t see the way I feel now, changing all that much. (Of course, we all know how that goes..)

Anyway, my friend Butch said to me, “So you’ve said before that you wouldn’t do the marriage thing again though, right?” I said yes, that was true, and even though I’m down for a long term relationship again, it’s going to be “What’s your is yours, and what’s mine is mine.” I know that philosophy doesn’t fit everyone, but I was surprised that he agreed with me. He has been married for a very long time.

He said, “I really think that’s kinda the way it should be – it almost seems that when we’re young, all we want to do is get married, and share everything with someone, then as we get older we all just want to have and do things our own way.”

A very young kid who works with us, came into the conversation as I was saying that I’d written a blog on our site www.shouldigetmarried.net about how we should all just have to get married young, learn what it’s really all about, have a mandatory divorce, and then carry on with our lives, having that experience under our belt – and he said, “Oh, so you’re saying I shouldn’t marry my girlfriend then?” I wasn’t going to answer, but I didn’t have to. Three of the guys I was talking to – almost in unison – said, “No, you’re too young!” It’s amazing, sometimes, to see what older folks have to say about young love.

If you’ve been divorced, would you marry again?

What would be different the second time around?

Would you listen if everyone around you said you were too young to get hitched?

 

Would You Buy Your Own Engagement Ring? I Did.

April 21st, 2013

I read recently that more and more women are buying their own engagement rings. The reason was mostly because the women wanted the ring that they want, and aren’t expecting their man to have to pony up that much cash just because they want something more than he might be able to afford. Not a bad idea, but it takes some of the magic out of the whole proposal thing a little.

I know this because I, too, bought my own engagement ring – although not at all for the reason above. I’m not sure how many women out there are in the same situation I was in, but it went like this; we had been together for years, we’d already bought a house together, and had been talking marriage for a long time, I had a feeling he wouldn’t actually do it though. I took care of the finances in our relationship, and the only way he would be able to do it without me knowing was if he was secretly squirreling away money on his own, and I had serious doubts that was happening.

So, I started saving a little on my own, just for this. I’m fairly basic, and not really into jewelery or diamonds much, so I didn’t save a lot, the principal of the ring is more important to me than the bling of the ring. We were out to dinner one night, and I brought up the question, “When do you think we’ll get married?” His reply was, “Whenever we can afford it.” I said, “Well, what would you do if I told you we could afford a ring right now?” He said, “Then after dinner, let’s go get a ring.” And, that we did. It worked, I was excited, but I will admit, I was a little disappointed that I didn’t get the surprise of an all-his-idea proposal. Perhaps that was a red flag I should have paid attention to… If he would never do it on his own – should we be doing it at all?

We never did end up getting married. We split up a few years later. It was a very difficult, painful time for me – I thought the world was ending. However, in hindsight, it was the best thing that ever happened to me – which explains my passion for the work we do at www.shouldigetmarried.net

I’m very curious, how many other women out there also bought their own ring? What were the reasons? Did you get married? Are you still married?

 

Dude, Don’t Do It…

April 10th, 2013

I have a friend who works with a guy, and he just told me this story that I feel completely compelled to post here on our blog.

This guy – let’s say ‘Chris’ has been dating a co-worker for awhile now (I’m not entirely sure how long, doesn’t matter). He is in love and decided he wanted to propose to her. Since they work together, he thought it would be cute if he proposed to her at work… Not something that I’d be interested in, but whatever, he wasn’t proposing to me. He made it an elaborate ordeal too, flower petals in the parking lot, the works. Good for him.

Prior to the actual proposal taking place, everyone in the office was talking about what a mistake this is, they are too young, they haven’t been together long enough, and some knew of her infidelity – but thought it wasn’t their place to say anything. So, my friend handed him a business card from www.shouldigetmarried.net – and told him he should get an Invite for Insight, just to get real feedback from his family and/or friends – he laughed and said “Dude, I don’t need that, we’re in love.” To which my friend replied, great, if you don’t need it, that’s awesome, but why wouldn’t you want to know how your friends and family, or co-workers feel about your decision, it could be that they all support you and think it’s a great idea, and if some don’t, you’ll at least know the truth. If you’re afraid of finding out the truth about how people feel about your situation, wouldn’t you want to explore that before making such a huge life-altering decision? Chris said he would not.

As it turns out, he did not get himself an Invite for Insight, and she did accept his proposal. However, within two weeks of being ‘happily’ engaged, fighting began, she has moved her things out of his place, they are not on speaking terms, and he has been having several physical relationships with new people.

I’m glad it turned out this way -that did not get married – because it’s clear they were not ready. It was evident to most who knew Chris. Had they continued with the engagement, who knows how long it would have lasted, or if they actually got married, how long before they would end up in divorce court?

My point here is that sometimes those closest to you can see – so glaringly – what you can’t, that it doesn’t hurt to find out what they think. It’s anonymous after all, so where’s the harm?

 

Should I Get Married? and Soulblock

March 29th, 2013

I don’t believe in any such thing as chance encounters. I firmly believe we meet everyone we’re supposed to meet, when we’re supposed to meet them, and for whatever the reason is, whether or not we know or understand it. I think all relationships work this way, not just intimate, or romantic ones, but all kinds; business partners, band-mates, friendships, etc. I love to think sometimes about what the reason might be for meeting some random person – the one that you just get a feeling about right away.

Usually at www.shouldigetmarried.net we talk and post about romantic relationships and how to help those you care about considering marriage. As it fate would have it, one of the previously mentioned random encounters happened to one of our owners recently and I think it’s definitely worth mentioning here on my blog.

During one of the most desired civic obligations – Jury Duty – one of our owners bumped into an old school friend, who is now in the music and studio production business. It was an unexpected encounter that has now led to a renewed friendship, and a new business relationship. We are proud to have Marcellus Gotwalt from www.soulblock.com performing the voice over and mastering the sound on our latest website video for the “Invite for Insight” from www.shouldigetmarried.net along with the assistance of Alichia Cruz from 92Q Jams in Baltimore. We are all very excited about their assistance with our project, and of course, Soulblock’s latest Knock Em out Video, expected to air on MTV this summer. http://soulblock.com/2011/10/19/knockem-out-official-video/

How nice it is when the benefits of living in a small town, and rekindled old friendships payoff! We’re just glad they met on this side of the jury booth!

Watch the new video, introducing the Invite for Insight and let us know what you think? https://shouldigetmarried.net/bride-and-groom/

Meet Alichia Cruz http://92q.com/author/ronealichia/

 

Love Tattoo

March 24th, 2013

When I was married, my husband was a tattoo artist. He had one hard and fast rule about his tattooing; he’d never tattoo anyone’s name on a person, unless it was their child’s or their own. He was often asked why, and he certainly angered a few potential clients, but his answer was always, “Relationships don’t last, and I’m not going to put someone’s name permanently on your body only for you to have my artwork covered up or removed later on. Your name most likely won’t change, and your children will always be your children.”

It bothered me at the time, because I naturally internalized it as in insult to our own relationship. We’re going to be together forever after all, so how do you know these people won’t be too? Did this mean that he expected us not to last? Does every relationship, no matter how solid, eventually end?

I grew up in a solid, nuclear family, my parents are still to this day happily married, and I never had to deal with the pain that divorce or separation can cause in a family. He definitely did not have the same experience growing up, and actually never met his father until he was in his twenties, and unfortunately even when he did, it was just one more let down for him. So, I began to understand why he felt this way.

My views are quite different today, having been divorced, and in another long term relationship that turned sour. I often think of his philosophy, and sometimes consider the thought of getting married much like getting a tattoo… On your face. You’d better be really certain of what you want, and know without a shadow of a doubt, that this is something you’re going to want to last for the rest of your life.

Of course, it’s all too easy to get a divorce these days, and even tattoo’s can be removed.